We're like a lot better than the average bears
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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