I just saw a hot homeless man
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
