I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
