She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
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Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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