I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
