ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
