I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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