I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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