I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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