every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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