Your tits are I can't wait for
This girl is more easily done than said...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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