I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have demons in me.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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