I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
