I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
