He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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