gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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