I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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