my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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