i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
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It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Congratulations! We have a period
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