How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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