ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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