If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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