She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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