I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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