even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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