I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
