I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
