note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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