so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
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I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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