god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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