last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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