soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
