tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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