i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
