she woke up with a sticky ear
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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