Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
