I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
