I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
