Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
