I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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