Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
