Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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