woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
