It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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