I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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