I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
