Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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