....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
my liver is dry heaving
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
