Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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