I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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