so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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