every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
