Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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