I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
