Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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