I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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