giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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