I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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