Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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